My solution to loneliness is…
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
—Carl Gustav Jung
One of the most influential experiences of my life was the pervasive childhood sensation of not being listened to or having my experiences be valued (i.e. not being able to communicate what was important), and of consistently being dismissed or told I was wrong (i.e. holding inadmissible viewpoints).
My biggest, deepest, most driving pains are around loneliness and abandonment.
My parents didn’t abandon me per se, they simply consistently minimised or dismissed my experience or perspective, and my child mind internalised that, as Dr. Jung describes so lucidly, as loneliness.
I imagine that I’m not the only one with this experience.
This is why being listened to and understood is such a profound healing experience for me, and also why having my perspective be validated instead of dismissed is so meaningful.
It literally dissolves my loneliness.
Sometimes, my deep desire to be understood and validated shows up as argumentation, excessive forcefulness, or making unfair demands on friends or partners.
I imagine that I’m not the only one who does this, too.
If there’s one thing that you can do for someone that you love, listen to them.
Listen with your whole heart. Listen for the subtext, for the subtle and subterranean desire to be acknowledged and truly understood. And then, validate them. Let them know that their experience is legitimate just because it’s theirs.
You don’t have to see it their way, and validating their experience in no way invalidates your own, so you don’t have to worry about “losing“ just because you fully validated them. It’s not a zero sum game.
The solution to loneliness is not having more friends or going to more social events or finding “the one”.
The solution to loneliness is opening up a space between you and someone else where both of you can be heard and seen, and in a way, made more “real” – and certainly less lonely – by the experience of having someone witness you being you.
The solution to loneliness… is love.
What’s your solution to loneliness?
Cassie
You eloquently described exactly how I’ve felt my whole life and as I read this my brain kept saying YES, THIS! How can something so simple be so profound? Thank you, Dallas, for not only showing up, but for revealing your deepest secrets so maybe one of us lonely travelers can say “Yes. That’s me, too.”
Paula Moors
Volunteer in your community. Giving back is very rewarding and chances are you’ll make new friends along the way.
Robin
This is wonderful.
Thank you Dallas
Paula
I really appreciate your writings! Its most about learnings and recovery. So real, thankyou.
Shelby
Wow. Huge ‘aha moment’ for me. Thank you for sharing your pain so we can all heal.
Kris
I look forward to your posts. Thank you for the insightful thoughts and sharing your healing journey.
Lori Stein
Thank you. Listening is a skill that needs to be developed, nurtured, and exercised intentionally. I am so sad that most of us are so rusty in this area. I believe the reason our country is so divided is truly because some where down the line, we forgot how to hear.
ERIN LYONS
Dallas, I love the depth you included in a short, straight forward piece.
I am % on board with this viewpoint and this helped to remind me of how important it is to practice this love on the daily.
Completely listening to someone has a great impact.
I find that I have to constantly check in with self to see where my thoughts are at, as well as push away the thoughts coming in, while I listen and at times that can be hard. Most of then time, I am open to anything that comes my way. But, I believe that I have success because most people I speak with tend to open up more and elaborate. which means they feel I am listening, while heartedly.
Anyway, great piece! Thanks again Dallas.
Valerie
love is the solution, love is the solution, love is the solution (to everything) period
Glenna
It’s nice to see that my feelings were validated by just what you wrote. It’s hard when my parents, were doing the best they could, during a very difficult time in all our lives (big family). They just didn’t realize that they were shutting us down.
Thank you Dallas for keeping everything so real and being transparent! You are appreciated!
Jean Warburton
Totally over whelmed to read exactly my thoughts. Loneliness is a miserable way to live.
Keelie
I am so blessed that I’ve been able to love everyone in my family and friends. I get to cherish them and step outside myself to shower them with an unconditional lovin. I often feel lonely when I don’t get that same determination. Not everyone loves the same way I do.